I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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