update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
