I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
