yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
