I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
