drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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