So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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