Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
