this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
