I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
