I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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