I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
