Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
