five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
