New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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