I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
