I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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