I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
