Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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