Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
