Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
