Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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