i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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