my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize