my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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