I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
