I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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