i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
