When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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