ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
