I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
