if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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