So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize