watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
