you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
