Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
