it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
