Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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