We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
