I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
