Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
