a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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