At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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