Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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