An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
