I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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