Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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