I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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