Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
