Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I intend to get homeless drunk
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
