So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
