Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
