did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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