I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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