This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
