I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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